a half hour in ‘the hills’
The Five Stages of Dying or What It Feels Like to Watch the Hills:
Denial: Try to convince yourself that you will not spend another Monday night watching Heidi, Lauren, and Audrina perfect the proper technique for staring uncomprehendingly during conversations while simultaneously nodding vigorously and appearing to be hypnotized by something over the other person’s shoulder.
Anger: Use Psychology degree to try to figure out whether Lauren is A. Helpless victim of fate or B. Passive-aggressive devil spawn.
Bargaining: Try to believe that there is no way that people really interact with each other like this. Decide that film must be edited in order to make ordinary conversations appear both incredibly awkward and extremely dramatic, without either character using more than ten words. Bonus points for doing this without any actual emotion being displayed by characters.
Depression: Guilt over spending four hours per month watching show mixed with grief over the possibility of final dissolution of Justin Bobby and Audrina takes you to the verge of tears. Initial elation brought on by Natasha Bedingfield singing over the opening credits quickly turns to sadness, regret, and abject despair.
Acceptance: Admit that not only are you going to watch the new episode of The Hills at ten, but are also going to watch the recap of last week’s episode. Think it is okay to do so as long as you ridicule the characters mercilessly. Discuss possibility of own reality show involving you, roommates, and your very small apartment. Consider calling it “Sweatpants in the City.” Premise would be college educated 20-somethings working entry-level jobs and living within their means. Highlights: making chicken, going to the gym at 6 am, dividing the Comcast bill, and discussing The Hills.