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i ran my mouth off a bit too much, oh what can i say?

December 4, 2008

When a case is closed and a client ceases needing the services of a law firm it is their right to receive all of the paperwork from their case.  This would be great except that the law firm must also keep a copy of all of their paperwork.  Why?  Because lawyers are about 25 times more afraid of being sued than the average person because they know how much the legal system, sucks.  So, law firms keep copies of EVERYTHING.  This is where I come in.  Yesterday, I was told that before the end of the day I was to have copied a particular divorce case that had been recently finalized.  This may sound like an easy task, but it is in fact, not.  Why?  Because lawyers LOVE staples, binder clips, paper clips, and especially Exhibit Tabs.  By the end of the day I had made copies of over 7,000 pages.  Out of these 7,000 pages I had ripped probably 1,000 staples, and not just ordinary staples either-these were ½ inch “Heavy Duty” staples, which meant that at some points I was literally wrestling these jaws of death from the corners of depositions with all of the strength I could muster.  Two hours in the office manager came into the copy room and I looked up from the floor panting, with paper strewn around me, and she said, “Talk to me about your system, because this is looking a little confused.”  To which I replied that I knew exactly what was going on here, and that my system involved a lot of calisthenics and post-its, and at this she nodded benignly and walked off, probably because lawyers LOVE post-its.  And I won’t even start on how much fun it is to remove 26 exhibit tabs (read: fancy lawyery dividers) put in replacement tabs so that it can go through the copy machine, and then re-insert the originals.  This process added on about three to four hours to the job alone.  By five o’clock my fingers were practically bleeding and I had actually become one of those people who yearn for those plastic fingertip protectors that help you turn pages at lightening speed.  As it is my saliva is all over those files.

At this point my thoughts on disputes are that if they can’t be solved in a duel, then they don’t need to be solved.  You wanna go green?  Don’t get married.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. charles permalink
    December 4, 2008 5:40 am

    I am really enjoying reading these things.

  2. Sharon permalink
    December 4, 2008 10:18 pm

    Hilarious.

  3. amy permalink
    December 9, 2008 3:33 am

    omg. i’ve had this exact same experience. you put the misery of it into words so well!

    -amy from 6b warren towers, boston university

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