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now when i get a flat tire i call my sponsor instead of the suicide hotline

January 4, 2009

Some things I’ve learned from working with lawyers that may or may not apply to life:

1.     The things the opposing party does are either legitimate or not, and honestly it’s probably the latter.  The things we do are smart, well-planned, and usually contribute to the greater good.

2.     “Ramona, don’t be afraid to tell people to go fuck themselves.”

3.     Don’t get sick.  If you get sick put on your biohazard suit and go to work anyway.  Throw up in garbage can at desk if need be.  If you do take a sick day from work/life you may have to spend 10 minutes listening to a morality tale about when your boss was “your age.”

“When I was your age I was living in Ohio, and working as the early morning DJ at a local radio station.  Yes, I used to have a sense of humor before law school sucked it out of me.  One night I went to a party with my girlfriend and there was a shootout and things got very chaotic and I lost track of my girlfriend.  I spent the whole night looking for her not knowing if she was dead or alive.  I called in to work to tell them that I wouldn’t be coming in that day, because I still hadn’t found her and I was very worried at that point.  The next day when I came to work the station manager sat me down and told me that if I don’t show up to work one day that is a huge burden on everyone else. I mean, they couldn’t do the show without me.  Do you understand what I’m saying Ramona?” 

            I was still wondering what had happened to the girlfriend, and also wasn’t sure if he was warning me against A. attending parties B. attending parties in Ohio or C. going to law school.  You can avoid this confusion by not getting sick in the first place.

 4.     Out of professional courtesy it is inappropriate to call the opposing counsel an outright liar, however you can come pretty close especially if they are lying, which is whenever their mouth is moving.

5.     It will not put you in the holiday spirit to serve an eviction on a large family with small children two days before Christmas.

6.     “Let me tell you that I am a man, and many men are idiots.”

7.     Everyone cries, but not everyone has to know about it.

8.     It’s more fun to do it and say you didn’t than to not and say you did.

9.     Speak simply and without needless words.  Excessive wordiness is a sign that you don’t know what you’re talking about. 

 10. While every word counts.  It is the order of these words that is the most critical thing.

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