throwing down for pilot season
The roommates and I are pushing hard for our own reality TV show, which would be a good way to learn about what reality is really like. After six months of taking in first The Hills and then The City, not to mention the train-wreck that was The Real Housewives of Atlanta, we’ve pretty much got it down, and although our apartment is small and often dirty, and we work fairly uninteresting jobs, and of course some of us don’t even have jobs, we really think we have a lot to offer and can even one-up LC, Whitney, Audrina, and Heidi in several key areas, well maybe not Heidi. Here are some things you might see on The Bay Area.
1.) Meaningful discussions
i. Jacqueline offers helpful suggestions for meaningful careers including but not limited to: matchmaker, beard for gay men looking to collect inheritance, dog-walker, and talent scout.
ii. Chloe offers helpful suggestions for meaningful careers: “You should be a professor. Then you would always be right, and could grade papers mercilessly while still offering life-altering interpretations of modern literature.”
iii. Chloe told me to call our landlord to tell him there were opossums in the attic, and although I haven’t done it, I’m definitely thinking about it.
2.) Fun Times
a.) We have as much fun as we can while still being “green” and “economically responsible.” It’s like The Real Housewives of Orange County for the recession era, and also without the wives, houses, and sunshine. Hello, goldmine!
i. One time instead of buying dinner, which is very 2006, I asked the bartender to fix me two “side salads” made of drink garnishes, one salty and one sweet. I know genius right?
ii. Josie doesn’t buy a bus pass. She simply boards the bus then pretends to look wildly through her purse for her pass, then looks at the driver with a mixture of sadness and mystery, and I can tell you that it works almost every time. One time we got kicked off the bus, which was like another kind of “Fun Time” and it was free.
a.) We try to help each other make good decisions about men
i. Jacquline offers to introduce me to her friend with whom she thinks I will really hit it off because he is active (hipster on a bicycle), good-looking (but not to be compared with Robert Pattinson), and has lived in SF for six months just like me (so we can “get lost together”). I ask why he’s scowling in all of his Facebook pictures to which Chloe says, “It’s not like the guys you date are so freaking happy.” To which Jacqueline adds, “Don’t act like you love sunshine, and just look how active he is.” And I have to admit that he is active, and also that most of the guys I date are kind of downers, so see I’ve learned something.
4.) Quiet Time
a.) I read aloud in the evenings. Yes, it’s out of the GQ I stole from the gym because Robert Pattinson was on the cover, but we’re learning meaningful things like how to drink for 7 hours straight without getting drunk, while also getting to spend quality time together.
b.) Sometimes I will read to myself in my room and Chloe will stand in the doorway and ask questions like, “Are you reading again?” She sounds annoyed, but I know it’s just because she wishes I was reading aloud to her.
c.) Sometimes we even braid each others hair while watching TV, which is really sweet and something that really hasn’t been explored on The Hills. I mean Lauren wears a lot of braids, but where is this braiding happening? On our show that question will be answered.
5.) Inside Jokes
a.) We utilize many phrases that have secret meanings, which we would have no problem sharing with the masses. This could perhaps even branch into a line of translation guides to our show, and it really is all about merchandising. Here are some possible entries:
You’re looking a little rough. = You need to reconsider the direction your life is going.
I’m going to bed early. = 1.) I’m going to take a pill that depresses my nervous system and fall into a deep and dreamless sleep 2.) I’m going into my room to reconsider the direction my life is going.
Wanna watch a movie? = It’s gonna be American Psycho.
I had an epiphany. = All this time spent reconsidering the direction my life is going has finally paid off.
Janky = highly distasteful see also “nar nar.”
I’m on the stoop of honesty. = I’m about reveal too much information about myself or someone else.
15-year-old trannies. = people who are still in college.
The Bay Area is playing 24/7 in our apartment. Come watch!