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on the seventh day god made rice

April 23, 2009

They should make recipes more descriptive of what actually happens when you’re cooking. 

Rice

Boil the water until it looks like it’s boiling, then wait 10 seconds, to make sure that boil is rolling.  A rolling boil, means it’s boiling hard, lots of bubbles, a level 4 on white water.  Add rice.  Let rice simmer over low heat for 50 minutes, covered.  You won’t be able to see if it is simmering, and as soon as you put the lid on it’s going to want to start boiling.  The simmer will be a little faster than you want, but resist the urge to look under the lid.  Pray.  We know you are hungry, and starting to wish you had never bought ‘real’ rice, but the instant stuff from Trader Joe’s.  Practice non-reactance.  The Buddha would’ve eaten the instant.  You are not the Buddha.  Don’t look at the rice.  It is not done.  When the timer goes off it may turn out that the rice has been overcooked, or perhaps it is not done at all.  Watch the traffic not the lights.  You should not pay attention to arbitrary inventions, but instead should watch the two-ton metal box on wheels that is going to kill you.  Do not undercook your rice.  Remove from heat, and fluff.  Re-cover with lid and let stand 10 minutes.  You want to skip this step.  Do not.  Fluffing is fun.  Fluffing is like stirring only with looser wrists.  The point is to add air not take it away.  Go lie on your bed with your head hanging off the end.  Consider the relationship of angels and eggs.  You are getting sleepy.  The yolk is running all over behind the clouds.  On the seventh day God cooked rice, and then he rested.  

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. Kent McMIllan permalink
    April 23, 2009 2:37 pm

    I personally prefer what I think of as the Spanish method. I’m sure there’s a good reason why I’ve made the association with Spain, but I’ve forgotten it.

    Put a measure of rice into a sauce pan and add 1-1/2 times as much water (or chicken stock or vegetable stock) Add a bit of salt (or not). Stir the pan of rice and water and watch it swirl around as you turn the stove to medium heat.

    No, there’s no need to waste time bringing the water to a boil before adding the rice. Leave the pan uncovered as it boils on medium heat and let it cook until the liquid level is reduced to the surface of the rice. This is the point at which holes appear in the surface.

    Now, cover the pan and reduce the heat to simmer. In about 15 to 20 minutes, the rice will be ready. There is no particular harm in opening the lid to look in toward the end, if you must.

    A Spanish variation is to brown the rice slightly in a bit of olive oil before cooking as otherwise described above.

  2. Kent McMIllan permalink
    April 24, 2009 2:25 am

    Then again, why give a recipe in some nearly clinical unit of measurement like teaspoons or cups? The food is going to end up in your hand or mouth eventually, right? So give quantities in handfuls or mouthfuls.

  3. Kent McMIllan permalink
    April 25, 2009 4:42 am

    And then there would be an attorney’s recipe for rice. It would necessarily address all liabilities arising from the facts that:

    (a) there will be a dangerous appliance used in heating the water,

    (b) the water will be hot,

    (c) foreign matter may be mixed with the rice,

    (d) steam rising from a pan may cause disfiguring injury, and

    (e) a diet of white rice may lead to all sorts of injurious longterm consequences.

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