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oh we’ve already met

April 26, 2009

The person who starts calling their friends at 7:30 in the morning after a night of drinking is practicing damage control. Everyone knows this. Some people like to mess with this poor soul and not answer their phone so the person is forced to spend many more hours wondering if maybe they really did piss some people off when they smashed their glass on the floor and leaped onto the bar for a rousing rendition of the better scenes in Coyote Ugly.

These non-phone answerers are probably sitting at brunch somewhere not even hung over and feeling very superior to everyone else on earth. These are also the kind of people who claim to have never even heard of the movie Coyote Ugly, because they were too busy not drinking long island iced teas while watching a Swedish documentary about something arcane.

Then there are the people who do answer their phones when damage controller calls to hurriedly make sure that most people still want to be their friends, but who only do so in order to say things like, “LOCK IT UP,” or “You need to consider the direction your life is going,” in a voice that is a cross between Oprah and Dr. Phil aka loving but deep or conversely sad, wistful, and cautiously hopeful, like a sparkle on the cheekbone of a corpse. These people might as well be eating brunch with the non-answerers talking about how they want to go to Berlin.

Then there are the people who answer graciously, only rib damage controller a little, and in a loving way like how you might talk to an adorable but clumsy puppy who just ran into a wall, and then tell them some story (probably made up on the spot) about how badly they embarrassed themselves when they poured water all over a bowl of spicy dumplings in a feeble attempt to cool them down, and then proceeded to drink the water in a feeble attempt at humor as a restaurant full of people looked on in a feeble attempt at horror.

It’s nice to realize how many people will still love you almost as much as they did yesterday, even though you (check all that apply): passed out in da club line; threw up on their shoes; threw up on their face; played Heart of Glass on the jukebox, 3 times in a row; or danced provocatively with a stranger, who just happened to be their brother, husband, mother, or aunt Ruth

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Kent McMIllan permalink
    April 26, 2009 6:29 am

    So, in the movie version, who will play the part ? We asked Regina Spektor if she could do the tormented artist with the Russian soul and hollow leg thing, but while she was interested, the schedule just didn’t work for her. Anyway, the character is a writer, not a musician for crissake.

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