the whine flu
Swine flu is making people go insane. This would be more understandable if we were talking about something a little more terrifying than the flu. If ebola starts popping up all over the U.S. even I might buy a mask and stay in my bomb shelter for a few days. Okay, I admit I already bought a mask, but it’s only because I think they’re sexy, and might soon catch on with the hipsters or at least the homeless.
Notice that animals get blamed for everything, and now it turns out that it might not even be the fault of the swine or the Mexicans, but some kids in Southern California, and I can tell you that almost everything can and should be blamed on kids from Southern California, which is why it doesn’t bother me at all when my boyfriend dresses like he’s getting ready to be in a No Doubt video circa Tragic Kingdom.
Even the people at The New York Times have caught the swine, and are running articles about how scared New Yorkers are to air kiss each other at parties. Seriously, Manhattanites are having a hard week. First the Air Force One photo op frightened them so much that the whole city practically had to be shut down due to widespread Xanax stupor, and now they can’t even air kiss each other when they get all dressed up and go to their special New Yorkers only events, where they sit around and chit-chat about their secret desire to move to Park Slope.
And what about the swine themselves? I have yet to hear one thing about a pig actually coming down with a fever. Oh except for the fact that the Egyptian government has decided to slaughter the entirety of the country’s pig population. Of course 90% of the country is Muslim and doesn’t even eat pork, but whatev. Kill those pigs. Then close the schools, then reopen them, wear your mask, but only when you’re having your picture taken, don’t let your family ride on public transportation, unless you don’t like them very much, and no sex in the champagne room, unless you’re wearing your mask. Did you know that surgical masks prevent the spread of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases? Well now you don’t. Keep it classy people, you always do.