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unless it’s pretty say it simply

May 7, 2009

Watching the news for eight hours at a time will make you want to move to someplace where news has not been invented yet. People say information is power, but what they mean is that information has the power to crush you. 

The desk at my interim position as chief financial officer aka receptionist, at a private equity firm downtown faces the MSNBC tuned wall-mounted flatscreen, which happens to be positioned right above the previously mentioned office snacks, so I’m already spending many hours staring wistfully in that direction, and will suddenly find myself tuning into Chris Matthews  saying something about who should replace Justice Souter, and that thing usually sounds like, “Should it be a latino and a woman? A latina!”  As though he had just invented the word, and possibly had Shakira hiding under his desk.  The camera cuts to whoever he’s supposed to be talking to in their remote location in front of some vaguely civic backdrop, and the delay makes everyone get this squirrely look, like is this about to be embarrassing, but then their earpiece kicks in, and they get this look on their face like they just got their batteries replaced by God, and then make some quip about Jennifer Lopez.

Then someone talks about swine flu for a few seconds, and discusses how Obama bought a burger three days ago, and wraps things up with the fact that the only person John Edwards fucked with his affair was himself, and his wife, and that other woman too, and America, and then, and this is the best part, they start all over again, “Should it be a latino and a woman?  A latina!” 

 I love it when they say that.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. kry permalink
    May 7, 2009 7:32 pm

    “Should it be a latino and a woman? A latina!” As though he had just invented the word, and possibly had Shakira hiding under his desk. = hilarious. i stumbled across yr blog from a friend of a friend and your writing is a perfect mix of really funny and really good. thanks for breaking up my mind-numbing work day.

  2. Rosie permalink
    May 8, 2009 4:41 am

    Your brilliance has the power to crush me. I’m in love.

  3. William permalink
    May 18, 2009 1:37 pm

    I say first: You may enjoy the book “Fooled by Randomness”. Among many other gems, it contains a coherent explanation of how too much news can make you dumber and a worse person.

    But mainly: You’ve got a heap of talent. I just read through a bunch of your blog posts, and am compelled to comment.

    When you tell people about your plans to write and they start giving you static? Perhaps involving blather about the future of journalism, or how hard to make it as a writer? Cover your hands with your ears and hum thusly: Hmmm hm hmm-hmm hmmmmm. Just like that. And here’s the important part. When you take your hands off your ears and they start in again? More humming. You must outlast them.

    If you do this, you will eventually get the cute boy in the corner. There may be (will be, must be) some hard work in between, but I’m telling you: the boy can be yours.

    And not some base-playing parasite that you have to support like a poorly housebroken chihuahua, no sir. It will be somebody who reads your second novel and, smitten, says, “I must have her!” But because he is reasonable, you will instead accidentally meet six months later in your favorite coffee shop. When he finds out who you are, there will be a moment of awkwardness as he remembers his crush on your prose, on the rhythms of your words. But you will make it past that, and he will be yours forever.

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