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everything looks like google maps from up here

May 29, 2009

I didn’t want to be the one to say this but I think pop culture is making people lose touch with reality.  Have you noticed how whenever someone takes a picture one of the people posing for it will suddenly shout, “Facebook it!” And then look around kind of giddy and embarrassed like maybe they just blurted out something about themselves that wasn’t in their About Me section: and that thing is that they have tourettes.

My friend mentioned to me that she doesn’t even bring her digital camera out anymore, because it keeps her from enjoying the moment.  She’s sitting at Ocean Beach already wondering what the album will be called.  Probably something like, “Sunday Funday!”

I heard a guy talking about skydiving, and when I expressed concerns about jumping out of an airplane thousands of feet in the air, he said, “It’s not real height.  Everything looks like Google Maps from up there.”  When I was four I thought houses looked small from airplanes, because they were tiny model homes set out to entertain the passengers.  So Polly Pocket is to four-year-olds as Google Maps is to 30-something skydivers: a pleasant delusion on the way to a face plant on the freeway.    

The other day at my temp job I had a moment where I actually thought I was on The Hills.  I was Stephanie and my co-receptionist was the archangel Lauren Conrad and we worked at  the People’s Republic of China Fashion Co. or whatever that place is called, and I was about to get fired just like Stephanie did, because the only thing she does all day is stare into the middle distance and wait for the quaaludes to kick in while her eyes cry real cubic zircona tears and even Facebook starts to get boring.  People at work hate you slowly and then all at once, which is when LC is called in to let you down easy, and your passport to fashion and capitalism gets revoked, and then you become a Canadian.  

There’s this App called iSnort, that lets you cut up a mound of cocaine, and “snort” it off your screen.  It’s like drugs, but it doesn’t get you high, yet.  iSnort 2.0 will no doubt involve implanting cocaine directly into your cell-phone.  You think your phone bill is expensive now; wait’ll you get slapped with $1,000 a month for iSnort and Steve Jobs is showing up at your door in the middle of the night, and you start saying things like, “But I thought that was how you use Google Maps!  Can I get a picture for my Facebook?”  If you take a picture of Steve Jobs and post it on your Facebook page he’s gonna de-tag faster than you can tweet.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. June 1, 2009 7:07 am

    I don’t bring a digital camera anywhere, for the same reason. But my phone does a great job of keeping me from living in the moment. Especially text messages. And it has a camera on it. When I go to a different country or something I eventually am glad I don’t have my phone with me. Then I say that I won’t live the same — as I did prior to leaving — when I return to the U.S. But then I do live the same. It’s quite frustrating. But nothing looks like a Google Maps to me. Instead, everything is a text message I haven’t sent yet. Or have sent yet.

  2. June 2, 2009 12:08 am

    This post is balls. And that’s a good thing.

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