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drugs on a budget.

June 7, 2009

It’s easier than you think to put yourself in another dimension.  Drugs are an obvious choice, and I’m not not advocating drugs, but in the process of trying to take drugs you usually end up saying something moronic like, “Wanna party?” or “I put it in your O Magazine?” or “I think I’m dying.  This time it’s for sure.”

But this is a recession, and you should be giving your money to the government and not the other way around.  So, here are some other ways to trip/roll/fry/drop in/and drop out:

  1. Blow-dryers: Blow-drying your hair is a great way to feel like you’re in another dimension.  All you need is a blow dryer, and a friend, or a vocal cat.  Turn the blow-dryer on, and tell your friend to start talking to you about something really important.  Notice how you can’t hear a thing they’re saying, but they think you can, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that blow- dryers are a lot louder up close.  So their mouth is moving and they’re looking at you with a lot of serious, and “Cha riiiiiight?!” expressions, and you cannot hear a word.  It really makes you feel like you are high on something and that thing is not life. 
  2. The flu or sickness of any kind: This is a great consciousness alterer.  Have you ever noticed how when you get sick you can stare at a wall for like 3 hours and not ever get bored? That’s because your body is busy, and on an important mission from your brain which is “Don’t let me down fragile flesh.”  Being sick is actually a great recession substitute for cocaine, because when you feel like you’re going to vomit you can sit and nod your head to even the most boring of conversations, the only difference being that on cocaine you’re nodding your head really fast, tapping both feet to different beats, and practically ripping out the other person’s jugular trying to get a word in edgewise.  No one likes a conversation hog.  
  3. Get really tired: All you need for this one is a long night on Facebook, and no coffee.  Have you ever noticed how when you’re really tired you start to say the most ridiculous things, and look at people, places, and objects around your house like you have never even seen them before, and it totally blows your mind.  “MOM! When did you get this bench?”  “Has the house always been kelly green?” “You and dad got a divorce?” You start to wonder where you have been all your life, and then you realize the sad answer: too awake to notice it. 
  4. Waterboarding: Seriously, any kind of ‘professional interrogation technique’ is a great mind bender.  There is almost nothing like believing you are about to die to make life seem pretty insane.  Nancy Pelosi will even come to your house, for free!, (it’s a recession after all) to demonstrate the technique on you.  Before it’s even over you will totally believe that you are a member of Al Qaeda who knows exactly where Osama is hiding.  Talk about trippin!  It’s better than a mushroom-ether-crackwich! 
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One Comment leave one →
  1. June 8, 2009 3:05 am

    This is good advice. I’ve just been drinking whatever I find under the kitchen sink. I’m almost blind but my internal pipes have never been cleaner.

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