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do i contradict myself? very well then i contradict myself. i am large. i contain multitudes.

June 14, 2009

Lately I’ve been spending way too much time thinking about ‘my life’ and ‘the direction my life is going’ and whether I need to ‘reevaluate the direction my life is going’ when the only question I should be asking is ‘am I human or am I dancer?’ because that’s the kind of question where no matter what the answer is it’s always yes.

 I mean it really doesn’t matter what you’re doing as long as that thing is taking frequent Facebook quizzes.  I love those things, because who doesn’t want to know what kind of cheese grater their Facebook friends are, and why is Microsoft Word still trying to autocorrect when I type “Facebook.”  It is a word, get over it.  Steve Jobs would never let this happen, after all he invented the concept of putting the letter “i” before a word to make it instantly appear trendy, smart, and tech savvy. It seriously works with any word like iNap, that’s like a robot nap, or iMakeoutintheClub, which is like two robots falling in love, and something you can see anytime you venture into a North Beach bar on a Saturday night.   

 Anyway, the random Facebook quiz is one of humanity’s great levelers in that anyone who does one automatically looks like a moron, no matter how neat their ‘About Me’ section is. 

 Facebook quizzes are not only a great way for you to get to know your Facebook friends, “Which Little House on the Prairie character are you?” But also for your Facebook friends to get know themselves, “Which Milk Fat Percentage are you: Nonfat, 1%, 2%, or WHOLE!?”

 Some people might think that reducing your friends to parodies is the ultimate cynicism, but these people have obviously never heard of Facebook friends, which are like real friends only they never try to make you split the bill evenly even though they had 12 glasses of wine and you had 11. 

 Sometimes you might feel the urge to say, “Let’s let science solve this one.”  But have you noticed how when you ask science a question science comes back with an answer that isn’t even a fact, just a theory that has been supported only like a million times? That’s just not good enough for when you and all of your Facebook friends need to know what type of bar glass you are.  So, the next time someone suggests that you should ask science a question, tell them where they can put their science, and then promptly remove them from your friend list.

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