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the last time i had dreams about the end of the world it actually ended

November 4, 2009

My mom told me she’s cleaning out my closet.  I told her not to read my diary, but what I meant was DO NOT READ MY DIARY.  Everyone laughs, but someone’s not laughing and that person is the person whose diary that was.  One time I reread my diary from elementary school, and it was literally the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever read besides Twilight.  Like Twilight the events were described in an incredibly sentimental manner.  Unlike Twilight the events were things like: whether X was really going to try to ditch on Friday, the fact that J, the new girl, wore clear plastic high heels to school, and the fact that my friend had played Spin the Bottle at lunch, which I took as a personal attack on my character and the character of life in general. 

The more I thought about how embarrassing that diary was the more I wanted to tell my mom: that’s not my diary, but you still shouldn’t read it, even though it’s not mine.  I mean, who knows whose it is, but this is how horror movies start, with the reading of a diary that doesn’t belong to your daughter even though it’s in her closet.  

Everyone knows that what you write in diaries is mostly fiction anyway.  In fact, it was maybe this person’s (whose diary was in my closet) first try at fiction, and really shouldn’t be interpreted as memoir or even as English.  Which is something James Frey should have considered.  In fact, it’s quite possible that what you’re holding, mom, is James Frey’s diary, and in that case you should definitely not tell Oprah what you read in there, because she’ll just make James go on national TV to apologize for the inaccuracies of his own recollections.  I guess what I’m saying mom, is that I know James Frey a lot better than you thought.  He left his diary in my closet like 10 years ago, and if you find a diary it belongs to James, and you shouldn’t believe all the things he writes about me in there, and if I were you I wouldn’t even believe most of the things he implies about me.  I would never refuse novocaine during a root canal mom.  That’s just not how I was raised.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Thomas permalink
    November 4, 2009 6:48 am

    I was just thinking about this today! It’s true. I tweeted it. Definitive proof. I was wondering if kids still kept diaries or if they just had blogs now and if they did have them, do other kids feel guilt about reading them? I’ve never understood the point of a diary because it seems to me that the underlying logic is that this document will be discovered and read and you kind of hope it is. Which is like writing a blog and not publicizing it, which is what most people do. When I was a kid I used to write down accounts of things (but mostly poems) and then, to prove I wasn’t an attention seeker, I would burn them. If you want an honest log of what you were thinking and doing at a given time I recommend getting addicted to Twitter.

  2. Hannah permalink
    November 5, 2009 12:45 am

    You need to read from aforementioned diary at this event: http://www.getmortified.com/live/

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