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my other car is the new york times

November 23, 2009

Yeah, I write a blog it’s called The New York Times.  It’s basically about things that happen in the world, and in the United States that I’m interested in or feel bad that I’m not interested in.  It’s a lot like any 20-something’s blog except that in The New York Times the stories aren’t about getting drunk and sleeping with your ex, but about getting drunk and starting a war with an entire country of exes and not yet exes.

I know I have a pretty loyal readership, so I feel a lot of pressure to come out with new shit every day, but sometimes when I’m really hungover and cranky I just tell the same story, but in a slightly different way.  Like I wrote about how the economic crisis is affecting Americans in the Midwest, and then I wrote about how Midwesterners are being affected by the economic crisis, and then I wrote about how rheumatoid arthritis sucks.  Not exactly horses of different colors, but not exactly horses of the same colors either.

I have a bunch of different pages on my blog not because I’m so interested in The Arts, or Health, or fucking Science, but because I need to have some legitimate bookends for the Style section, and honestly Arts is just not serious enough by itself.  So, I guess you could say 99% of my blog’s coverage of Obama and Iraq and arthritis is a front so I can sneak in stories about Tinsley Mortimer.

As soon as my readers read one of my articles or even just the headline of one of my articles, which are really a story in themselves, and also usually a haiku, they start to care a lot about rheumatoid arthritis, and typically start to worry that they might have it, and I guess this is what God meant when he asked me and Oprah and Tinsely Mortimer to come up with two words for “world domination.”

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. November 23, 2009 11:08 pm

    don’t forget about Oprah.

  2. Kent McMillan permalink
    November 25, 2009 12:38 am

    I know I have a pretty loyal readership, so I feel a lot of pressure to come out with new shit every day, but sometimes when I’m really hungover and cranky I just tell the same story, but in a slightly different way.

    Ah, but let’s not forget that some nationally syndicated columnists (a sort of cellulose-based lifeform, now nearly extinct) built careers on that principle!

    After all, when reportage fails, there is always dressage, the art of putting the horses through their moves anyway. When the horses can’t be bothered, then it’s massage, telling the readership what they already knew to be true without regard to whether it actually was. The readers like it, one hears. Finally, left without even the latest polling data to suggest what readers think to be true (and this would be mostly in the National Review and the Washington Times) it’s frottage.

  3. Kent McMillan permalink
    November 25, 2009 5:32 am

    BTW, some of your readers have never driven a SmartCar and wonder what’s in the glove box (I have some money riding on this). We also wonder whether it has cup holders or something much … smarter.

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