is this a private fight or can any idiot get in on it?
Last week C and I got into a fight. It wasn’t one of those fights that was supposed to start out like a fight, but it was one of those conversations that ended in battle, which is probably a lot like what happened in the Revolutionary War. If we were to compare our fight to the Revolutionary War I would definitely be the colonists, and C would definitely be the British i.e. within minutes my fighting style had devolved into guerrilla war tactics that are definitely not mentioned in the Best Friend Handbook of Gentleman’s Battle Configurations, which if you knew her, you would know is the tome C subscribes to.
So there C is all lined up on the battlefield (the hallway) ready to engage in some proper face-to-face cannon slinging, when I sneak up on her from behind dressed as one of her own soldiers who is pretending to hold a baby, but wait that’s not a baby, it’s a bayonet! I’m not going to say exactly what was said during my attack, but suffice it to say her reaction was warranted,
“Ramona, sometimes the things you say are so fucking stupid that I literally can’t even respond to them.”
“Oh that’s a real nice thing to say,” I whimper, before we both slam the doors of our bedrooms. I’m not necessarily comparing this statement to Paul Revere’s midnight ride, but the colonists were kinda passive aggressive, and at this point I’m feeling pretty self-righteous and also pretty patriotic, and all of a sudden I know why so many people want to be Republicans; it feels good!
Then J leads C into my bedroom and we all know that the Treaty of Paris is about to be signed, and so we sit on my bed and J says, “I don’t want to talk about feelings anymore. You either accept each other as you are, or you reject. Accept or reject, now!”
We both accept with relief. Peace is made. A new country is formed, and its name is America. The British go to the bathroom to wash their face, relieved to be rid of the savages. America writes a Constitution. The BBC Pride & Prejudice with Colin Firth comes out and all is forgiven.