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bella the vampire heart slayer

November 29, 2009

Well, I mean Edward knocks me around a little, but the only reason he threw me up against that wall and practically severed my arm from my shoulder was because I got a paper cut, and his brother tried to eat me.  I know I’m not allowed around sharp objects, but who knew paper was that sharp?!  No, it was mainly rhetorical.  After all that happened, Edward pretty much peaced out and told me he didn’t like me anymore or whatever, and I was like well duh.  I’m always trying to remind Edward that he is waaaaay too good for me.  I mean I don’t even sparkle in the sun unless I’m wearing my Victoria’s Secret shimmer lotion.  But it’s weird because I’ve been telling him, and anyone who would listen how totally not-a-catch I am for so long, and his only reaction has been to stare at me like he wants to kill me but isn’t going to, which is how he always looks at me, so imagine my surprise and total soul-crushing dismay when he turned around and fast-ran away.

I was reading Cosmogirl after I had been resuscitated and I realized I definitely shouldn’t have told Ed how lame I was at every opportunity, because guys apparently really like confidence and aloofness.  I thought I was being pretty aloof by biting my lip and squinting my eyes in a confused squirrel like way, but then I realized I didn’t know what the word aloof meant, and my iPhone wasn’t working so I just used my new digital camera (!) to take a picture of myself while I was biting my lip, but I still wasn’t sure if that look would qualify as aloof.  I took the camera over to Jacob’s to see what he thought, but before I even got a chance to show it to him he started trying to have a DTR for like the third time this week, and I knew I never should have told him that I thought he was pretty freaking buff, and like super tan, but I really only said it so that he would tell me where his spray-tanning place is, because I’m thinking about a gift for Edward if he ever comes back (55 minutes from now!).  So, anyway Jacob was all like “Can I hold your hand,” and I was like, “I would love for you to, but I only think of you as a werewolf/brother/bff4evaeva, and would never want to have to choose between you and Ed even though he isn’t here right now, and is never coming back (54 minutes!).”

I kinda wished Jacob would either put on a shirt or take off his pants, because his half-nakedness was really starting to irk me.   I offered him my overly large Carhartt jacket, because that’s just what people wear in Washington, but he actually turned me down, and even after I bit my lip so hard it bled he still wouldn’t put on the damn jacket, but he also didn’t get so psyched by the sight of my blood that he tried to eat my face off.

Hanging out with a guy who didn’t want to bite my face off like 24/7 made me pretty bored and probably super aloof, but then Jake told me that if he ever got angry he might scratch my face off with his werewolf claws and I couldn’t help wondering why I’m so attracted to guys who want to maim me.  I just LOVE them!  But Cosmogirl says that a lot of girls like bad boys so it’s not that weird I guess.

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