bruises are the new temporary tattoo

There are things that are obviously bad ass and then there are things that are undercover badass things that when you mention them people go, “oh yeah,” in a reverent tone that is popularly employed to convey the idea that they KNOW what you’re talking about and that they CARE. 

 Black is openly badass, but green is like the undercover badass because it’s cool and environmentally friendly.  Did you know you can actually erase your own carbon footprint by chopping off your feet and wrapping the bloody stumps in those reusable green totebags they give out at Wallgreens?  You thought it was the reusable part that was good for the environment, but it’s actually the color green that’s saving the planet. 

 Being an astronaut is badass but studying quantum mechanics is undercover badass.  Did you ever notice how much people like to namedrop What the Bleep Do We Know, and tell you how “science has proven that water has feelings.”  Have these people ever heard of science?

 And then there’s government health benefits.  Government health benefits are widely considered to be undercover badass.  Whenever I tell people that my dad’s a teacher.  Nine times out of ten their first response is to whisper, “Can you get me on his plan?” while looking warily behind them like Obama is going to jump out and  yell ‘universal healthcare!’  I mean who are people?  But also who are not people?

 Having your own car is badass, but what’s undercover badass is riding public transportation.  When people ride public transportation they know they’ve finally become urban, and you can tell that they feel their street cred has shot through the roof, especially if they’re listening to a local MC on their iPod, and tapping their fingers to the beat on their Chrome messenger bag.

Tattoos are badass, but bruises are undercover badass.  Bruises are the new temporary tattoo.  Bruises say I live my life rough, and I don’t even have to pay someone to draw it on.  A bruise is like a tattoo that says “I’m rugged.  Let’s party.”

 Something else that’s undercover badass are rollbars.  I don’t know what the obvious badass counterpoint to rollbars might be, possibly Muhammed Ali.  When you talk about rollbars, everyone knows it was, is, or is gonna be a bumpy ride, and everybody holds on tight because taking risks is badass, but safety is undercover badass.