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a particular kind of hell

February 22, 2009

She would go slow, but the truth is she can make it the whole way like that.  She had already decided how she was going to live, and if it seemed like she just wanted to get it over with, then that was fine because she had her own justifications and they made a lot of sense to her.

Hate is a cheap high.  To name your dislike gives off a certain kind of energy, like love, only 10 times easier, and five times less interesting.  As soon as I realized that no one was going to carry my emotional burdens for me I felt very alone.  Feeling bad is all fine and good, but no one will ever care about how you feel as much as you want them to, and the only person whose thoughts you always occupy are your own.     

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Kent McMIllan permalink
    February 23, 2009 4:51 am

    To name your dislike gives off a certain kind of energy, like love, only 10 times easier, and five times less interesting.

    Is that really true? Really? My own experience is that pronounced dislikes require lots of energy to maintain, particularly when they have to be held in the face of contrary evidence.

    I mean, an intense dislike pretty much has to extend to everything connected with the object in question, doesn’t it? Those connections themselves link to other things. Next thing you know, a person finds herself hating kittens or orange juice if that was where the wiring ran.

    As soon as I realized that no one was going to carry my emotional burdens for me I felt very alone. Feeling bad is all fine and good, but no one will ever care about how you feel as much as you want them to, and the only person whose thoughts you always occupy are your own.

    Well, would any of really want someone else to take charge of our own emotional baggage. I mean, what if they lost it? Worse yet, what if they sold it on eBay?

    I can see it all now, there described by the seller, complete with photos of the contents and questions from interested buyers.

  2. Kent McMIllan permalink
    February 23, 2009 6:24 am

    You know, it seems to me that your post two days ago about the trolley arm on an electric bus slipping off the conductor contains both the problem and the solution. It’s just a hunch and mine are often wrong, but I’ll mention it anyway.

    The scene that you described was one that I would have gotten Edward Hopper to paint. It was the essential Hopper setting: two people in some semi-anonymous public place. He would have made it twilight, I’d think.

    We would see the overhead wires that mark the path that they and other passengers of the line are driven. They did not place the wires any more than any of us consciously choose our desires older than our ancestors.

    Their movement follows the arrow of the electricity flowing over their heads, unseen but present. So it is with the other currents that flow moving life along along ancient paths.

    And then there is an interruption and things come to a stop. Hopper probably wouldn’t paint the sparks between the trolley arm and the overhead lines, but they would be there as the arm is replaced and the motor turns and the bus moves again, following the wire.

    The electricity flows like some invisible river and river travel is for the patient.

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