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stop bitching and start a club

December 22, 2010

Can we just say that photos make people look fat?  Who does it really hurt to say that? No one could have said it better than Anna Wintour when, after a 2-hour juice fast she turned to Hamish Bowles and said, “Looking at a photo of yourself is like looking in the mirror and seeing a hyena in a $4,000 Carolina Herrera gown.”

Everything people do in photos is an attempt to not be horrified when it finally goes up on Facebook.  It’s not that people love to detag themselves from photos.  I think I can speak for humans in general sous-chefs specifically when I say that we would love to have exactly 199 pictures of us looking like Kristen Bell in Lucky magazine, but we’re finding it awfully hard to get there when our “friends” keep posting photos taken from below our chins.  Are our friends really that short?  And if not, then why do they do this?  Do they think they need to balance out all the ridiculously beautiful pictures we post of ourselves so that the universe can maintain equilibrium?  Do they see those horrible pictures of us, and think, “Stars! they’re just like us!”  Whatever the reason, it’s time to fight back. Here are a few things we can do to try to beat our “friends” at their own game:

1.    The Pull Back w/optional Mystery Cheek – if you’re involved in a cheek to cheek shot act like you’re totally into it (nuzzle, flirt) and then, at the last moment, pull your face back about 2 inches.  The other person’s head will look huge while you will look demure and camera shy.  Bonus points for actually tucking your cheek behind the other person’s cheek making their cheek look puffy and yours look mysterious.

The Pull-Back-And-Tuck

2.    The Sminde – Smiling with your mouth is for infants.  Smiling with your mind is what grownups do.   You know the face you make when you look in the mirror?  The one where you pull your features into perfect alignment and squint your eyes like you’re Steve McQueen on a sunny day?  The face you never quite get to in pictures, because you’re worried you might look drunk or vulnerable or date-rapey?  Well now is the time to embrace that look.  So shut your mouth, close your eyes (just for a second, then open them again) and let your smile shine right through your thalamus.

the father of The Sminde


3.    The Growler w/optional sunglasses – I don’t know why but this really works.  Partly because when you open your mouth really wide your cheeks look skinny.

the growler w/sunglasses


5.    The Kidman –  Think of the last time you wanted to kill someone.  Now think about your most amazing night on angel dust.  Where those two thoughts converge is The Kidman.

The Kidman


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